I am so fed up with all the "haters" why cant people be happy for other people? Well, i guess it is hard when you have it so bad.....I have a man that stands above all the rest and although he is not perfect he is in a leauge of his own. He loves me, and is only focused on his family. He doesnt worry about "haning with his boys" and if he does they are well respected, family men who dont drink, party or smoke. He believes that a family man has no place at a bar or club. He adors me, respects me, never bad mouths me, and doesnt believe in cursing. He is the most humble man i know, and always stives to give us only the best. Although we fight a lot i can admmit that it is usually because of me. Yes, i have issues with trust because of my past with my father, and men in general but my man is here to stay and he isnt going anywere. So, get over it! People can try to examine my relationship all they damn well please since they are missareble in their own. He has always been ther for me, has never given up on me and continues to have my back like no one els. I have friends and strangers who say that that they wish they had a man like mine, and some even say that they look up to him or that i should clone him.
I have a meesage for "yall haters" If you dont have anything nice to say then dont say anyrhing if your not ready for me. Take a hard look in the mirror because you are a hater and thats got to look ugly. My man says," no matter what, people are always going to have something to say, and we just have to be willing to exept that. Even though he lost his buiseness due to the ressecion and is strugling to support us people still have negative things to say. He says," we are going to get everything back ten fold and we are going live a nice life and unfortunatly people are still going to have something to say then".
I am a stay at home mother and my man takes care of us( of course, right!) well, some women or rather "haters" talk about how i should be more independant and not depend souly on "a man" Reality check! He is'nt juat "a man" (yes he is "a man" compared to most) but he is the father of our 2 children, we have been to gether 5 yrs. Hello! Stying home is a sacrifice women decided to take and i am so greaful for the oppertunity i have had. Staying home with my boys is going to effect them for the rest of their lives in the most positive way, and i am damn proud of it.
"When you have only seen one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you"
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The past is the past! or is it?
What does it mean to trust someone? Is it that u don't trust them or that u have trust issues due to ur past? I have had trust issues all my life but it didn't start w/ my relationship it started when i was just a little girl. I didn't always know that until recently; i had to dig deep and find that it wasn't about "trust" because i do trust him. I finally saw that it was due to my past. One early morning he came home from the gym and i he noticed something was wrong. He asks me whats wrong so, i opened up to him and told him that sometimes i think he isn't at the gym and instead with an other women. He looked at me with disappointment "again" and calmly told me that i don't trust him and i tried to explain to him that it has nothing to do with him because i do trust him but i have issues because of my past and even though i trust him i battle with myself, and with my past. I walked away to start breakfast and then it hit me, i began to remember things from my past that i always know about but some how berried...
All my life i remember my mother would always make comments about my father when he would go to the gym, she would say that he is with an other women. My father also had is own carpet cleaning business and she would say that he was "cleaning some women's carpet"; if u know what i mean? There were a lot of times when she would take me to the gym to check if my dads car was there and even if it was she would think that he parked it there and then left in the "other women's" car. My dad had a second job and worked nights and she would wake me up in the middle of the night and make me get off the car to spy on him and check if i could hear him or see him while he was loading the trucks, she would then drive all around the parking lot to look for his car and if it was there she would still think he parked it there and left with the other women. She would check his pockets when he came home and sometimes look through his trash of shredded paperwork and try to put the peaces together. Sadly, this went on for years and years.
After all these memories came back i went to share it with Dom he felt so bad and sorry for me, and began to understand where it was coming from. I began to cry because it hurt me so much at that moment to realize that my mother had to live this way for soo many years, and now I'm living the same way and i don't want a life like that. I feel that my mother and father embedded fear in me. I knew for so long that it wasn't "trust" because i know just aswell as everyone els does that i have a wonderful, trust worthy man of God. People might assume it was all in my mothers head or that she was sick, but that's not the case at all. My father did things that he shouldn't have like lusting at women in front of my mother and his children, he cheated, beat her, suppressed her and made her feel so insecure about herself. There is so much more but i wont get into it because my father is a changed man today and i don't want to make it sound like I'm bashing him. I love him with all my heart even though i am still affected today by the things he did to my mother and I. I just want to tell my stories and be as open and honest as i possibly can to not only heal and help others but for my self aswell. For the people on the receiving end; you only see the surface and take things personal when it might not even have anything to do with you. You should try to explore where these behaviors or feelings are coming from. That's if u care enough, because i know there are people who just don't... If that's you then Dig deep to figure out where the issues are coming from.I dug deep and found something i hadn't remembered. It helped explain soo much. Aside from the bad things that happened to me my men alone, this was just another reason for my insecurities towards Dom..... If you keep triming the surface then your not getting to the core of the problem. You have to get to the root of it. You cant just cut down the tree you have to pull out the roots and plant a new one.
All my life i remember my mother would always make comments about my father when he would go to the gym, she would say that he is with an other women. My father also had is own carpet cleaning business and she would say that he was "cleaning some women's carpet"; if u know what i mean? There were a lot of times when she would take me to the gym to check if my dads car was there and even if it was she would think that he parked it there and then left in the "other women's" car. My dad had a second job and worked nights and she would wake me up in the middle of the night and make me get off the car to spy on him and check if i could hear him or see him while he was loading the trucks, she would then drive all around the parking lot to look for his car and if it was there she would still think he parked it there and left with the other women. She would check his pockets when he came home and sometimes look through his trash of shredded paperwork and try to put the peaces together. Sadly, this went on for years and years.
After all these memories came back i went to share it with Dom he felt so bad and sorry for me, and began to understand where it was coming from. I began to cry because it hurt me so much at that moment to realize that my mother had to live this way for soo many years, and now I'm living the same way and i don't want a life like that. I feel that my mother and father embedded fear in me. I knew for so long that it wasn't "trust" because i know just aswell as everyone els does that i have a wonderful, trust worthy man of God. People might assume it was all in my mothers head or that she was sick, but that's not the case at all. My father did things that he shouldn't have like lusting at women in front of my mother and his children, he cheated, beat her, suppressed her and made her feel so insecure about herself. There is so much more but i wont get into it because my father is a changed man today and i don't want to make it sound like I'm bashing him. I love him with all my heart even though i am still affected today by the things he did to my mother and I. I just want to tell my stories and be as open and honest as i possibly can to not only heal and help others but for my self aswell. For the people on the receiving end; you only see the surface and take things personal when it might not even have anything to do with you. You should try to explore where these behaviors or feelings are coming from. That's if u care enough, because i know there are people who just don't... If that's you then Dig deep to figure out where the issues are coming from.I dug deep and found something i hadn't remembered. It helped explain soo much. Aside from the bad things that happened to me my men alone, this was just another reason for my insecurities towards Dom..... If you keep triming the surface then your not getting to the core of the problem. You have to get to the root of it. You cant just cut down the tree you have to pull out the roots and plant a new one.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
To "Want" or not to "Want"
To "Want or not to "Want"? That is the question ...
Dom and I went out the other night to talk and hang out. I began to share with him the things that i needed and wanted from him and this relationship. After i was done talking he told me how impressed he is with how much i want put into this relationship and how hard i try by constently recomending( not complaining) things that only will improve our relationship. He told me that he "Wants" to be those things and will give me what i need because he "Wants" to. We had a "ah ha" moment and realized how mos men "Complain" about their women who "Complain" by saying, " I want you to hold me more" or "I want you to kiss me more" Dang! If thats complaining then my man has it the worst in the world! I cant stand it when i talk to other women about relationships and some say to me, "Thats just the way men are" and "we have to accept that men are different than women" or "we cant change a man"..... That's BS!!! Times are so hard and with the hustle and bustle, and stresses of todays times we tend to forget or become lazy in our relationship with our mates and with our children. But NOT ME!!! Heck NO! I have seen too much in my young life to ever let it happen to me. As long as you have someone who "Wants " to listen to what your feelings, your needs and wants are then you have someone who will "Want" (there goes that word again) to give that to you, be that person or improve omethimg about themselves. I find that talking about my feelings or wants while hes at work or here at home doesn't seem to work aswell as if we were out alone or the kids were asleep.. He is already in High stress environment, and it doesn't change when he gets home cuz of the kids. He says that hes listening to me but i know better. So, try talking with no distractions around..
I lacked so much growing up but i am not going to lack it now. My man will not be a lacker or a slacker!! I have too much faith in my man and my relationship. Both of us are responsible for this relationship but I remind him that the Lord looks to the man as head of the house hold and he is the one the Lord will look to for anwers. Look it up, its in the Bible. And that pushes, and pumps him up so much! Becuase like i said, "Sometimes we can forget and we need a little reminding, pushing, and encouraging". like saying, "We used to hold eachother at night" Avoid "You" statements because it will only put him or her on defense, and a good trick is to talk about your feelings or what you want in a form of a question cuz then you get a better understaning on how he thinks and feels about it. for example: What do u feel about us taking salsa lessons once a week? How do u feel about us going dancing or doing a movie once a week?" instead of saying, "I want u to take me to a movie once a week"..
We are not perfect and its ok to make mistakes.. Im not saying that we cant make or aren't allowed to make mistakes. I encurage mistakes, we must all fall, fall, fall and get right back up again, because thats what makes us better, wiser people and helps us to grow. Watching him, myself or our children get right back up is the best thing in the world! I make mistakes all the damn time! In my relashinship with my man and my kids, because like i said the stresses of today do affect us and we can become lazy or forget. Its ok to make mistaks so long as we learn from them and "Do" something to change it and not letting it happen again. As long as we "Want" to try then anyone can change. Answer this? If your child was running a race and he/she kept stumbleing to the point that hewas so far behind that there was no way he would win but he kept getting up and finished eventhough he didn't win. Would you be dissapointed that he didn't win or proud that he didn't give up? Your child "WANTED" to try, to finish, to NOT GIVE UP. Why you might ask? Because he/she saw you standing there not in dissapointment but you kept encouraging him to get up. The same goes for your relationship. But only with someone who "Wants" it just as bad as you do. Always communicate, communicate, communicate.
Dom and I went out the other night to talk and hang out. I began to share with him the things that i needed and wanted from him and this relationship. After i was done talking he told me how impressed he is with how much i want put into this relationship and how hard i try by constently recomending( not complaining) things that only will improve our relationship. He told me that he "Wants" to be those things and will give me what i need because he "Wants" to. We had a "ah ha" moment and realized how mos men "Complain" about their women who "Complain" by saying, " I want you to hold me more" or "I want you to kiss me more" Dang! If thats complaining then my man has it the worst in the world! I cant stand it when i talk to other women about relationships and some say to me, "Thats just the way men are" and "we have to accept that men are different than women" or "we cant change a man"..... That's BS!!! Times are so hard and with the hustle and bustle, and stresses of todays times we tend to forget or become lazy in our relationship with our mates and with our children. But NOT ME!!! Heck NO! I have seen too much in my young life to ever let it happen to me. As long as you have someone who "Wants " to listen to what your feelings, your needs and wants are then you have someone who will "Want" (there goes that word again) to give that to you, be that person or improve omethimg about themselves. I find that talking about my feelings or wants while hes at work or here at home doesn't seem to work aswell as if we were out alone or the kids were asleep.. He is already in High stress environment, and it doesn't change when he gets home cuz of the kids. He says that hes listening to me but i know better. So, try talking with no distractions around..
I lacked so much growing up but i am not going to lack it now. My man will not be a lacker or a slacker!! I have too much faith in my man and my relationship. Both of us are responsible for this relationship but I remind him that the Lord looks to the man as head of the house hold and he is the one the Lord will look to for anwers. Look it up, its in the Bible. And that pushes, and pumps him up so much! Becuase like i said, "Sometimes we can forget and we need a little reminding, pushing, and encouraging". like saying, "We used to hold eachother at night" Avoid "You" statements because it will only put him or her on defense, and a good trick is to talk about your feelings or what you want in a form of a question cuz then you get a better understaning on how he thinks and feels about it. for example: What do u feel about us taking salsa lessons once a week? How do u feel about us going dancing or doing a movie once a week?" instead of saying, "I want u to take me to a movie once a week"..
We are not perfect and its ok to make mistakes.. Im not saying that we cant make or aren't allowed to make mistakes. I encurage mistakes, we must all fall, fall, fall and get right back up again, because thats what makes us better, wiser people and helps us to grow. Watching him, myself or our children get right back up is the best thing in the world! I make mistakes all the damn time! In my relashinship with my man and my kids, because like i said the stresses of today do affect us and we can become lazy or forget. Its ok to make mistaks so long as we learn from them and "Do" something to change it and not letting it happen again. As long as we "Want" to try then anyone can change. Answer this? If your child was running a race and he/she kept stumbleing to the point that hewas so far behind that there was no way he would win but he kept getting up and finished eventhough he didn't win. Would you be dissapointed that he didn't win or proud that he didn't give up? Your child "WANTED" to try, to finish, to NOT GIVE UP. Why you might ask? Because he/she saw you standing there not in dissapointment but you kept encouraging him to get up. The same goes for your relationship. But only with someone who "Wants" it just as bad as you do. Always communicate, communicate, communicate.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Responsibility
Listen up ladies! We have to start taking responsibility for our children. I often have women complaining to me about their kids, and asking me questions like "whats wrong with my kids", or " why are they being this way", "why aren't they listening or being receptive to me? The problem doesnt begin with the child but with the parent. You need to stop and ask yourself what did you do to cause or contribute to this behavior, how could you have approached it differenly, and what can you do to make it better? Children are going through so many change's in thier little bodies, and they are not pro's at knowing how to express themselves. For example: My son got jealuse cuz i was holding my new born and i was kinda teiseing him witch wasnt a good idea and he bit me. This will happen its just a matter of time. Children dont listen when someone is yelling at them all your doing is instilling fear in that child. Children dont hear what you are saying all they hear is someone yelling at them. So yeah that will do the job if you want them to stop jumping on the sofa, but is it the right approach? Christiane Lavin at Parents.com says, " Yelling belittles kids and undermines the parent-child bond."http://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/discipline/tips/parents-yelling/ Edgucate yourself people!
Its too bad that we dont leave the hospital after giving birth with an instruction manual. We leave in what i call "The honymoon stage" for only a couple of days, and then come the sleepless nights, your nipples that feel like there are two lobsters hanging from them 24/7, you have to bath all of them, feed them, brush their teeth, or you get layed off, trying to look for work, stress on money and at the end of the day you take it all out on the ones that are in the front line of fire, your children. Its not the arrguments that destroy the relationships but rather how you handle them. Your anger always gets the better of you, and before you know it you yell or in the worst of cases hit someone. We all dont like to be told that we are at fault, It is in our human nature to get defensive. I guess thats what im hear for because i dont care if you dont like it! So, hear it is!!! The parents are always at fault. The children are never to blame. They dont know any better as children but as adults you do. Children are a reflection of thier parents and parents are a reflection of their children......
Its too bad that we dont leave the hospital after giving birth with an instruction manual. We leave in what i call "The honymoon stage" for only a couple of days, and then come the sleepless nights, your nipples that feel like there are two lobsters hanging from them 24/7, you have to bath all of them, feed them, brush their teeth, or you get layed off, trying to look for work, stress on money and at the end of the day you take it all out on the ones that are in the front line of fire, your children. Its not the arrguments that destroy the relationships but rather how you handle them. Your anger always gets the better of you, and before you know it you yell or in the worst of cases hit someone. We all dont like to be told that we are at fault, It is in our human nature to get defensive. I guess thats what im hear for because i dont care if you dont like it! So, hear it is!!! The parents are always at fault. The children are never to blame. They dont know any better as children but as adults you do. Children are a reflection of thier parents and parents are a reflection of their children......
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Two of Hearts Never Part.
It was time to go to bed and little Dominic wanted to sleep next to me.
As he layed on his back I put my head on his chest
He began to caress my hair.
I didnt expect what came next.
I began to hear his little heart beating, and his little body breathing.
I began to cry.....He says,"Dont cry mama! Its ok!
I say,"I can hear it"
He began to giggle, and asked, "You can hear it mama?"
I replied, "Yes baby," "Do want to hear mine?"He puts his head on my chest and began to giggle.
Yeah mama! "I can hear it"
Just when I thought he was going to lay back down and go to bed, he puts his head on my chest again.We stayed up till about midnight listening to eachothers hearts and giggleing.
I prayed that the Lord protect my liitle boy's and thier little hearts.
My hearts!
My two hearts!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Say it loud, say it proud!
How may of us hear people or have been asked, "how are the kids" or "how is the baby." Come on! Do people forget the torture women have to go through? The sleepless nights, the breastfeding, the dramatic changes that the body had and still have to go through. There shouldnt be a day that passes without your mate asking,"how are you feeling" or "can i get you anything." I have a girl friend who is 5 months pregnant and i told both her doughter and her husband," If you get up for a cup of water ask your wife if she wants some." If you get up to get a snack then ask her if she wants one, and if your hungry ask her if she is." I mean its really that simple! when men get sick or dont feel good then they want to be babied, and thats ok but women should get the same in return. I cant stand it when a man gets home from work and says he is tired when he gets to sleep at night, and gets to have lunch with the boys. Thats, nice! I wish i could leave my office and have my assistant take care of things while im gone. I have this rule, if you dont take care of me then i wont take care of you. Boy does it work girls! He feels the pain the next morning with no breakfast, coffee, lunch or dinner. With the hustle and bustle of the day sometimes men just need to be sto reminded or in my case told. ha,ha! Dont "beet around the bush" or hold it in, let it out no matter how brutal. If your bored then say it, if he isnt giving you what you need then tell him.Oh! "but I shouldnt have to tell him" or sometimes women say,"thats just the way men are and you cant change them" "Oh come on!" First of all no one is trying to change anyone(well, at least im not) Second, then my man needs go in hidding. "Cuz i got it like that" And not always because he does it on his own but because i tell him what i want and the way i like it.
Anyways, try to make a plan together like him taking the kids and giving you alone time once or twice a week, and it would be a good way for him to bond with the kids alone "without mommy there." Talk to friends or relatives and ask if once or twice a month you can leave the kinds to visit while you guys go watch a movie or have dinner, thats only two hours... Remember that you come first, your relationship second, and then the kids. Without mommy and daddy there is no family. Like we always say im my home, "if mommy isnt happy no one is happy"
Anyways, try to make a plan together like him taking the kids and giving you alone time once or twice a week, and it would be a good way for him to bond with the kids alone "without mommy there." Talk to friends or relatives and ask if once or twice a month you can leave the kinds to visit while you guys go watch a movie or have dinner, thats only two hours... Remember that you come first, your relationship second, and then the kids. Without mommy and daddy there is no family. Like we always say im my home, "if mommy isnt happy no one is happy"
Ethnocentrism
I have grown up a christian all my life and i beleive in God, and even though i beleive there is only one God i consider my self to be culturally relitivistic. There are two concepts: ethnocentrism and cultural relativism; Ethnocentrism is the view that one's culture's way of doing things is the right way. Cultural relativism is the attitude that other ways of doing things are different but equally valid, and try to understand the behavior in its cultrual context. The terms "emic" and "etic" refer to perspectives. Emic are the insiders' perspectives, natives' views of their own behavior. Etic perspective are those of outsiders. Theses are two different vantige points, and knowing both helps give a comlete picture.
. Take the women in Africa for instance, they kill their newborns. Now most people would take the ethnocentrism attitude that those people were sick and wrong but if they knew that these people were starving and chances are 100 percent that if a child is born to close to the first they will both die because the mother doesn't have enough milk to support them both, their attitudes might chance if they had a heart. Most people are ethnocenric and what i call just plain ignorant, and thats ok for some people but if you are going to open your mouth do your research first people. Most christian women i know keep pressuring me to get married because its a "Sin" to have children before marrige because this way is the "right way." Well, the women i know are either devorced or married to a man who emotionaly abuses them, and unsure of their own marrige, and I cant say that anyone has or had a good or happy marrage. I have had to see a lot of women in my family go through a lot of heart ach in thier marrige, and it scares me and tought me a lot.
I understand, and respect the cultrual context of it but if people were to listen to what i have to say and take a good hard look at theirselves then they might understand me. I honestly dont think anyone got married for the right reasons, and when i get married i want it to be. I dont need or want a man to complete me, or love me. I need to do those things for myself so that i can have a wonderful marrige. Yes! i will admit that i am afriad, and damn well i should be because marrige is a big word and commitment. I am going to take my time and i wish people would open thier minds and think outside of the box. People should strive to be more culturally relitivistic, and try to understand the situation and look at it from an etic perspective. When i want edvice i will ask a respectful couple who have been married for a long time and have had a happy marrige like my fiance's brother and sister in law. Now they have the secret!
. Take the women in Africa for instance, they kill their newborns. Now most people would take the ethnocentrism attitude that those people were sick and wrong but if they knew that these people were starving and chances are 100 percent that if a child is born to close to the first they will both die because the mother doesn't have enough milk to support them both, their attitudes might chance if they had a heart. Most people are ethnocenric and what i call just plain ignorant, and thats ok for some people but if you are going to open your mouth do your research first people. Most christian women i know keep pressuring me to get married because its a "Sin" to have children before marrige because this way is the "right way." Well, the women i know are either devorced or married to a man who emotionaly abuses them, and unsure of their own marrige, and I cant say that anyone has or had a good or happy marrage. I have had to see a lot of women in my family go through a lot of heart ach in thier marrige, and it scares me and tought me a lot.
I understand, and respect the cultrual context of it but if people were to listen to what i have to say and take a good hard look at theirselves then they might understand me. I honestly dont think anyone got married for the right reasons, and when i get married i want it to be. I dont need or want a man to complete me, or love me. I need to do those things for myself so that i can have a wonderful marrige. Yes! i will admit that i am afriad, and damn well i should be because marrige is a big word and commitment. I am going to take my time and i wish people would open thier minds and think outside of the box. People should strive to be more culturally relitivistic, and try to understand the situation and look at it from an etic perspective. When i want edvice i will ask a respectful couple who have been married for a long time and have had a happy marrige like my fiance's brother and sister in law. Now they have the secret!
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