Wedding blues?

  Planning this wedding has been the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life.. The most emotional thing i have ever had to endure aside from loosing my mother to cancer. I never wanted to get married or have children because of the failed marriages i have seen in my life and the effects they had on their children.. I began to believe that it was normal and that would happen to me because "That's just what happens" and i rather not put my self or most importantly my children through that.. Everyone around me got married for all the wrong reasons, and i did not want to make that same mistake.  So, needless to say that planing this wedding has been such an emotional roller coaster for me.. One minute I'm exited and the next I'm crying! I began to think i was bipolar and asked my fiance to take me to a doctor.. Well, as he chuckled he explained that how i am feeling is normal..  

  When i had my fitting for my wedding dress i took my neighbor who i had just met a couple weeks ago, and as everyone in the store was staring at me and saying how beautiful i looked i began to cry... Some older ladies asked me why I'm crying and i said, "Do u see this girl sitting right here?" and they answered, "Yes! Is this your sister?" and i replied, "No, i just meet her a couple weeks ago, and she is the only person here with me"... They asked, "Where is your mother?" I replied,  "She passed away".. They understood my pain and where i was coming from.... To feel so alone and feel that there are people in your life who are not genuinely happy for you... The most important, and to be honest the only person who i wish was there is my mother..
I have struggled to get to this point to decide to marry.. I take marriage very seriously and its no joke! Its a big commitment and a life long dedication.. People don't take it as seriously as i do and some think its just a peace of paper, and for those people i say to you, " You got a lot of growing up to do and you shouldn't be married or think about it either". Call me in 10-20 years and then give me your opinion......
 I am so scared and nervous.. I have had multiple panic attacks, and i have been an emotional wreck crying all the time.. Now with the wedding being just a few weeks away i am nauseous all the time.. I'm so emotional that i don't know weather i want to cry or throw up!  Maybe both at the same time!  I told my fiance that he better have a medic near by because i just may pass out!".  He laughed so hard, but i was serious!!!! Well, maybe a paper bag to breath and throw up in!! Some people say i have the wedding blues.. That doesn't sound like a good thing to me! But i guess its normal when you take something like this so seriously..
Just the other day we were signing some papers and i began to get emotional because I'm no longer going to have that last name, and don't get me wrong because trust me when i say that i want no association with that last name... but never the less its a big change..... A good change!
My fiance wanted to have a big wedding with everyone there and all the bells and whistles.. I went along with it but its not what i wanted at all .. I wanted to get married on the beach with no one there.. Well,  maybe a hand full of our dearest friends, because all of that other stuff is just for show.. This is so serous to me that its not a "party" per say... People who never call, never visit, don't care enough to ask how we are doing or if we need help with the wedding? Why should those people be at the most important event in my life? It just doesn't make scenes to me at all.. Dom couldn't understand where i was coming from at first but after seeing how alone i have been in this process and much crying he began to see what i meant.. So, we compromised and changed the whole wedding plans we originally made, and now we will be having a small intimate wedding on the beach and at the church..  Why both the church and beach u might ask? Well, Dom feels its important to marry me in the house of God and he will not have it any other way..Don't know very many men who can say that!!  As for me, i have always dreamed of getting married on the beach... The ocean has always been a place of peace and therapy for me because of the hardship i have had to endure as a child.. I have always found a connection there with the waves, almost as if they were communicating back to me and claiming my heart and soul...
My mother Diana Barocio will be walking me in spirit...